She is frightening – is she a golem?
(Photo: James Devaney/Wine Image)
Is she trying to turn herself into a living golem through Kabbalistic ritual? Or are these photos altered via Photoshop? Whatever the case, the photos of Madonna’s biceps that are currently circulating are frightening. If she needs shakes to build her arms a bit, payday loans in Louisiana and short term loans are available here.
But here’s the program she’s been following, courtesy of personal trainer Tracy Anderson. Ashley Pearson reports for the London Daily Mail that it is a grueling routine that only those dedicated to exercise should even attempt. Or perhaps a golem.
Please don’t slay me in my sleep, clay monster!
Pearson assumed it would be something like lots of yoga, cardio and muscle work. However, it’s “one hour of cardiovascular exercise and an hour of Pilates-style muscle toning.” The cardio is in the form of dance aerobics, which makes sense for an entertainer like Madonna. It wasn’t so arm-intensive, however. As is common with Pilates, only small arm weights are used.
So where do the freakish arms come from?
Well, apparently Madonna spends 30 minutes working on arms each day. It relies primarily upon isometric exercises, and Pearson describes it as “strenuous, and very painful – even after five minutes. And it does build muscle.”
Now that Madonna’s weight is lower than what it was 10 years ago, the muscles are more defined. Too much, if you ask me… but perhaps the true culprit is her macrobiotic diet. It involves whole, non-processed foods, extreme caution about overeating and a whole lot of chewing. Apparently there’s so much chewing that Madonna isn’t getting the nutrients she needs - just look at her!
Pearson writes that Madonna and her scary biceps have two chefs who cook for her and she allegedly has two macrobiotic chefs who cook for her. She eats miso soup for breakfast (hardly a meal) then “a lot of grilled fish and vegetables with no oil or spices.” And like any low-carb crazy diet, she only eats a small amount of brown rice. Haven’t we gotten past the point where we understand that total war against carbs isn’t healthy?
The arms are going to grab me. Help!
Golems are supposed to be able to protect their creator. With her arms like that, I don't know if Madonna will be able to do that… (Photo: dcairns.files.wordpress.com)
Madonna reportedly once said “I’m not going to get fat. Deal with it.” I’m not sure if she’ll be able to deal with it for long. Pearson speculates that the arms are an unfortunate side effect of Madonna getting her abs and lower body the way she wants it. However, I implore her to stop fighting against nature and return to the time when she was actually attractive. It would sell more tickets, and I understand that’s the business she’s in.
If I must, I will take out payday loans in Louisiana and short term loans to protect against the threat of Madonna’s biceps. I will send her Filet O’ Fish sandwiches, as apparently fish is in her diet…
You too can apply for loans for fish sandwiches for Madonna. Apply here!
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